You've heard the saying,"opposites attract". Many people believe
that finding a mate who is your opposite is like touching two
electrical wires together. Sparks fly and things really heat up.
The very idea is exciting: you zig, he zags. He is everything you
are not, and vice versa. So, is it true that to find your life
partner you should "find your opposite"? Unfortunately, the
answer is "no".
The reality is that opposites do attract, but they rarely stay
together. If they do manage to stay married, the relationship is
usually fitful and argumentative. Dating someone who is very
different - someone who may have characteristics you wish you had
- may be very exciting. But this excitement won't last long, and
it won't be a good foundation for a happy marriage. Ditch diggers
don't do well with doctors, social types aren't happy with
homebodies, and spendthrifts are always at odds with pinchpennys.
Study after study has shown that happily married couples have far
more in common than they have differences. If you want the best
chance of having a long and happy marriage, marry someone who's
similar to you.
Just because opposites tend not to stay together, however, it
doesn't mean you have to marry your clone to be happy. Your soul
mate is not someone who is identical to you. In fact, if the two
of you think and act the same in every way, you'll probably soon
get bored with each other. Here's the secret to a long and happy
marriage: marry someone who is complementary. That is, someone
who has characteristics you don't have but admire. That person is
different enough to be interesting, but is not truly your
opposite. If you marry such person, you'll avoid a lot of
conflicts and marriage problems that may otherwise ruin your
relationship.
The Surveys' Results
When committed couples were surveyed for degree of
similarity/dissimilarity here were the results:
Physical Beauty: people tend to mate with people who are
generally considered the same degree of attractiveness. Beauty
rarely marries ugly. A large difference in attractiveness may
cause serious problems later in marriage.
Education: successful couples generally match up well in
educational levels. However, Phd's have marriage problems, too.
What really seems to matter is not educational levels (grade
levels or degrees) but intelligence. People tend to marry and
stay married to people with similar IQ's.
Class: yes, there are classes in America. Upper class people
rarely marry people from the other side of the tracks. Country
club types marry country club types. Ivy Leaguers marry Ivy
Leaguers. The prince marrying the peasant girl is truly a fairy
tale.
Religion: quite often people from different religions marry, but
the couples who stay together and are happy together generally
agree about most spiritual matters. So, here's another
compatibility tip: discussing religion and spiritual beliefs
before the wedding will save you a lot of marriage problems.
Money: When rich marries poor, the marriage is over either when
the money runs out, or when the wealthy partner does.
Family/Children: to a very high degree, happy couples are in
agreement about whether to have children, or how many to have.
So, happy couples in successful long-term relationships are not
carbon copies of each other. Neither are they clones or mirror
images. It's the differences between partners that make the
marriage interesting. But, when it comes to the major issues in a
relationship, happily married couples are generally at a high
level of agreement.
Take a look at your own relationship. Before you make any major
commitments, be sure that you and your partner are in agreement
over the big things. Then, viva la difference!
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