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All married couples face problems from time to time. Some couples
have more problems than other couples, and sometimes these
problems become major issues within the marriage. Issues that
cause the eventual separation and divorce of the couple. When
husband and wife feel they cannot resolve the problems
themselves, they will sometimes turn to third party professionals
for help. Sometimes the couple turns to a marriage counselor for
advice and help in saving the marriage.
Some critics of counseling have made the argument that marriage
counseling actually does more harm than good to relationships
that are on the rocks. The problem is not that counseling itself
is bad. Anything that promotes better communication between a
husband and wife can be a good thing. Instead, there can be a
problem with the counselor herself. Specifically, the counselor's
training and style of practice can make a difference in the
counseling the couple gets.
Look For A True Couple's Counselor
There are many therapists that claim to be couples' therapists.
This claim is based on the assumption that two people create a
couple. A couple is not a headcount, but rather two individuals
who share an intimate and complex bond with one another. A couple
is a unique entity that is more than just the sum of the two
personalities. Some so-called couple's therapists treat couples
the same way they treat individuals, thus leading to some serious
counseling problems. Individual therapists work to discover the
wants and needs of the individual. Whenever a couple has
incompatible needs and wants there is a danger that the counselor
who was trained as an individual therapist will take sides. It's
this incompatibility that caused the couple to seek a marriage
counselor in the first place. But taking sides is not just
unfair; it's also the quickest way for one partner to leave the
counseling. Who wants to feel as if he's wrong or outnumbered in
the counseling sessions? Make sure that your counselor is working
for the benefit of the couple, and is not taking sides.
Do some research on your couple's therapist. Ask if they have
gone through training to deal with relationship and couples
issues. Ask about previous clients - how many of the couples they
have worked with actually stayed together and how many have split
up? You'll both want a high level of trust and confidence in your
marriage counselor to be able to discuss with her the things you
couldn't discuss at home.
Do They Walk The Walk?
Be sure that you feel as though your therapist values your
opinions. Whenever the two of you do not agree on an issue, see
if your therapist can help you develop a third way, an
alternative solution. Ask about your therapist's values on
marriage and relationships. Are they themselves married? How many
times? Any professional's advice becomes a little suspect if they
themselves don't walk the walk. While education is all well and
good, sometimes hands on experience can bring new light to a
discussion.
It's Okay To Change
Lastly, even if your therapist is doing everything in his or her
power to help you, sometimes there is a mismatch. If you're not
making the progress you want, try a second therapist or seek out
other professional help. If your counselor is truly a
professional, she will understand and even agree with your
decision to transfer. After all, it's your money, and your
marriage.
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